My Toddler is a Jerk

My youngest child, is quite the jerk. (If you know me, you know I have 5 children. *gasp* I know! I must be crazy! Actually I'm very blessed, thank you though for questioning my sanity.) Yes I know, calling your child names is frequently frowned upon, but I call it like it is. He is getting exponentially better at being cute, and adorable, and loving. He's quickly getting to be my favorite. ( I'm sure this will come to bite me in the butt, should my children ever discover my blog, but I've always had a favorite at different stages in my life.)

However this kid stays up, on average, 2 hours later than the rest of my kids, when it comes to bed time. Not quietly either. In and out of his room, with one reason or another, fighting bed time, crying, begging, reasoning why he doesn't want to go to sleep. He argues every "No" he's given. I've had to adopt a routine, where after I repeat my answer for the third time, I ask him if I gave him an answer already. When he replies that I did, I ask him to tell me what the answer was. He repeats it, dejectedly, and then I repeat the answer again. This usually ends the discussion. Not always. It's much better than before, when I'd repeat "No" at least 15 times before losing my $#^+, and yelling at the tyke. Which made him cry, and made me feel like the worst mom EVER. So I adopted the new process. Still a freaking long process, but usually when he starts crying, I don't feel the least bit guilty. So at least that's a win for me! He's stubborn, obstinate, persistent, sneaky, demanding, opinionated, and all wrapped in with a nice little temper to boot.

When he's being sweet, (which thankfully is becoming more common than not), he's so dang cute! He's smart, and funny, and caring, and affectionate, and quite the monkey. I am a pretty chill parent, and prefer to leave the helicopter locked in storage. So when I see him climbing over the top of the swing set at the ballfieks, I chuckle at the other parents looking at me to see if I'm going to freak and get him down. I mean, it is quite the sight to see a not even 4 year old child, straddling the cross beam of a swing set, several feet up from the ground. The thing is, he's got that kind of stuff in the bag. So I don't freak. 

I hope, that as his mother, I will have instilled in him, the right values for him to be persistent about: his qualities have the ability to be an incredible asset to him, that he will be as an ancient oak tree in the middle of the storm. He will be unwavering in his determination, and his desires. He will get what he wants in life, because he is so charming. The blue eyes aren't going to hurt things any either. His qualities however, could be his downfall if he lets pride take control, or his temper, or if he's seen on doing things that would make any mother weep. So, I worry that I will fail this child in particular. My window to mold him in to a good person, is slim. It's closing faster than I'd like. Wish me luck!

Hold On

I came across a song today, that I needed.

Hold On, from The Secret Garden

When you see the storm is coming
See the lightning part the skies
It's too late to run
There's terror in your eyes
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say
"It's the storm, not you
That's bound to blow away"

Hold on

Hold on to someone standing by
Hold on
Don't even ask how long or why?
Child, hold on to what you know is true
Hold on till you get through
Child, oh child
Hold on

When you feel your heart is poundin'
Fear a devil's at your door
There's no place to hide
You're frozen to the floor
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and just say
"It's this dream, not me
That's bound to go away"

Hold on
Hold on, the night will soon be by
Hold on
Until there's nothing left to try
Child, hold on, there's angels on their way
Hold on and hear them say
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below
Or just come flying at you from across the room

When you see a man who's raging
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years
What you do then
Is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say "It's this day, not me
That's bound to go away"

Child, oh hold on
It's this day, not you
That's bound to go awards

Watch the video I came across here.

Hold On - The Secret Garden

Completely Capable

Too many times in my life, I've been told I couldn't or shouldn't be doing something, because of being a women, or especially a pregnant woman. Well, let me educate you. I am a completely capable human being of doing things for myself. I am perfectly capable of doing things and normal human being can do, EVEN while pregnant. Why yes, I can lift that box that someone told me was too heavy for me. Yes, I can change my own tire, brakes, washer fluid. In fact, I even know that blinker fluid doesn't exist. 

Today, my husband was unavailable, and the pool that I had set up, just this week, needed repairs (dang kids that think the cat would want to swim), and the pump that needed set up and connected. So I patched the holes in the inflatable ring of the pool, using a bicycle tube repair kit, and carried a compressor out of the garage, and inflated the ring. Then I read the instructions, (yeah guys, it's usually good idea to do that, take pointers here) and set the pump up. Ran extension cords, hooked up hoses, screwed clamps shut, and turned it on. All by myself. I am now my children's hero, cuz I got the pool up and running again. Yup. While being a woman, not having a man tell me how to use a compressor, or attach the compressor hose and nozzle attachment. Yes I know a LOT of women don't have men to help them with the less dainty tasks in life, and find themselves perfectly capable of doing them without help. In my situation though, because I've had a very handy man as my husband for 14 years, it's often assumed that I don't know how to do such tasks and leave them all to Tony. Well, I admit that I do let him do most of those handy man type tasks, but mostly cuz he gets great satisfaction out of being my handy guy. 

Today though, I was the hero. Sorry Tony.

Are You Good?

"Who are you doing this for?" It's a question I've asked myself before. The answer is usually my kids, my husband, my friends, my employer, my family. Then next comes, "Are you good? Deep down inside, as a person, where nobody can see but you, are you good?"
This is where I recently got pretty real with myself. I'm ok I guess. Sometimes I try my best, but sometimes I don't. I know that if I'm trying my best, that's good enough.
Then, the more honest part. The real answer to that first question.
I do this for me. I want people to like me, and I want to feel like I make a difference to them. I want people to like me more than just to think I'm ok, and to have nice things to say about me.
I fear I'll fail, or that people will find out I'm really not very talented or very clever, or worthy of their praise. That I'll fail to make enough of a difference in their life, that they will want to keep me in it.
Mostly I've found that often people connect well with me, talk to me and confide in me with ease, but when push comes to shove, I'm forgotten. Not like they forget who I am, or that they know me, but they forget to try to keep me as a part of their life. Friends that go from talking to me every day, to only talking to me when I initiate conversation. People don't think of me, when they think of friends to invite for a get together or fun night out. I don't get invited to lunch dates, to go to the movies, or shopping. Maybe it's because I'm a 30+ minute drive away from them, and it's not convenient. I'm not saying this like I think there is something wrong with me, and I'm not asking for a pity party. Im saying that I wonder, what is it about me, that people like me so easily, but no one thinks of me as their best friend, calls me their best friend to other people.
I am an inherently good person. I do want people to like me. I do things to make a difference in people's lives, to make them happy. Making others happy, makes me happy. Even when it costs me dearly to do so, it is always worth it. I certainly don't do good things for people so they will return my efforrs. However, it would just be nice, for all my efforts, to have someone like me enough to build a lasting friendship for once.

Long Time Coming

It's been a year, since I've even logged in to my blog. You're welcome my friend.
Funny thing is, I've been thinking about getting back to it. Mostly because I've not been sleeping well. Part of it is working nights. Part of it is stressing over too many things. Often times I wake up, when I should still be sleeping, my mind will start thinking about too many things, too fast, and with no end in sight. Something I've found that helps slow it down, so I can go back to sleep, is writing poetry in my head, precisely about whatever it is I'm fretting over.   I really should get up and write them down, but I don't. If I try to recreate them later, I fail. I haven't written poetry in ages. I'm not even sure if I'm any good at it, or if I ever was. All I know is it's helping. Maybe one of these days I'll delight all of you with my poetic musings. However, today is not that day.

Freedom on Two Wheels

For the last 7 years, my freedom moments have come mostly while I was on 8 wheels. Derby; my place to be completely, and wholly me. Recently though, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the roadways on a Honda Shadow 600 motorcycle. My commute to and from work is a new and wonderful experience. 

It's a 30 minute drive for me. A full 30 minutes of feeling the wind, enjoying some tunes, and mostly enjoying the view. That view!

For anyone who hasn't been on a motorcycle, it's hard to explain how different the view is, from a vehicle. It's so...open. My favorite is my ride home in the mornings. Although it's a colder ride, than on the way in, it's definitely worth the temperature difference. Sunrises are amazingly beautiful things. The beginning of a new day. Several times I've wished there was s way to accurately capture the view, with a photograph. Unfortunately, the only camera I have is attached to an iPhone, and taking a picture while riding isn't exactly the safest idea. Which means, I am left captivated my entire ride home, without any proof of what I've witnessed. Surprisingly, this has helped me to take in every bit of it while I can, because once I get home, it'll be over. My favorite, are the storm front sunrises. One morning I was racing home to beat a storm. Before me was a sky filled with clouds that looked like they were a heavenly fire! Behind me was a rainbow, and dark clouds, lightening filling them every so often. The contrast between the view in my mirrors, to the view before me, could not have been more stark. The beauty of the beginning of the morning leaves me in awe every morning.

Something else that I find entertaining, is the varying in temperatures as I ride up hills, down hills, across bridges, and past open fields. You can feel the differences, that wouldn't even register if you were driving that same road with the windows down. Also the smells. I love the smells, (most of the time), the smells of wild lilies, fresh cut grass, newly plowed dirt, the pavement as the first raindrops begin to fall. My mantra, with rain, is that I'll ride to work, as long as I'm not going to get wet on the way in. The way home is fair game. Sometimes the smells aren't so amazing. Like the cattle trailer I just passed, or the rotting plants from the field that flooded, or the roadkill. For the most part though, the it's the smells of nature that I would've missed with my windows up.

The most intriguing thing about riding my motorcycle, is I feel almost like my voice disappears. Yeah I could sing, or talk, but not only can I barely hear myself over the wind, or the wind and my music, but no one else would hear it either. Feeling like a mute, is weirdly freeing. I'm just listening, and watching the world fly by me. 

It's such a freeing feeling, riding a motorcycle. Like derby, I plan to continue feeling this freedom on two wheels, as long as my body will let me.

Today

Today I was sore from walking a zillion miles this weekend, and it was really hard to deal with the children who wanted to invade my space and snuggle with me and my tender pregnant belly.
Today I got to snuggle with my babies
Today I have a body that allowed me to walk a zillion miles this weekend.
Today I have a pregnant belly.

Today I had to catch up on the laundry that didn't get done for the last few days.
Today I got to use a washing machine and drier to help me accomplish the task.

Today I had to sort through baby boy clothes and try to figure out where to store them.
Today I have baby boy clothes that I was given without any kindness expected in return.

Today I had to get on to my son about eating breakfast.
Today I had food to feed my son for breakfast.

Today I had to clean up poop.
Today I have a toddler who is doing pretty good at potty training.

Today I didn't want to get up an do much, because I ached from walking a zillion miles.
Today I didn't have to get up and go to work, because my husbands has a good enough job (and we have small enough debt) that I can stay home with my children.

Today I complained, but today I was blessed.