"Who are you doing this for?" It's a question I've asked myself before. The answer is usually my kids, my husband, my friends, my employer, my family. Then next comes, "Are you good? Deep down inside, as a person, where nobody can see but you, are you good?"
This is where I recently got pretty real with myself. I'm ok I guess. Sometimes I try my best, but sometimes I don't. I know that if I'm trying my best, that's good enough.
Then, the more honest part. The real answer to that first question.
I do this for me. I want people to like me, and I want to feel like I make a difference to them. I want people to like me more than just to think I'm ok, and to have nice things to say about me.
I fear I'll fail, or that people will find out I'm really not very talented or very clever, or worthy of their praise. That I'll fail to make enough of a difference in their life, that they will want to keep me in it.
Mostly I've found that often people connect well with me, talk to me and confide in me with ease, but when push comes to shove, I'm forgotten. Not like they forget who I am, or that they know me, but they forget to try to keep me as a part of their life. Friends that go from talking to me every day, to only talking to me when I initiate conversation. People don't think of me, when they think of friends to invite for a get together or fun night out. I don't get invited to lunch dates, to go to the movies, or shopping. Maybe it's because I'm a 30+ minute drive away from them, and it's not convenient. I'm not saying this like I think there is something wrong with me, and I'm not asking for a pity party. Im saying that I wonder, what is it about me, that people like me so easily, but no one thinks of me as their best friend, calls me their best friend to other people.
I am an inherently good person. I do want people to like me. I do things to make a difference in people's lives, to make them happy. Making others happy, makes me happy. Even when it costs me dearly to do so, it is always worth it. I certainly don't do good things for people so they will return my efforrs. However, it would just be nice, for all my efforts, to have someone like me enough to build a lasting friendship for once.
Omggggg, I have felt like this 100% of my life. You're a lot more likable than I am, frankly, and I will never, ever admit how much I want people to like me. Not in a million years. I have NEVER been the guy who gets invited to things, whatever it is. Some people probably don't like me, but mostly, I'm just not someone they think about when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteI didn't launch KCDD to make friends, I did it to make a difference in a community I love. I *have* made friends, but I'm still astonished sometimes by how many people seem to appreciate my work vs. how few people invite me to non-derby things. Half the time, I'm not even 'invited' to bouts on the FB event pages. So I've given up trying to figure people out.