Are You Good?

"Who are you doing this for?" It's a question I've asked myself before. The answer is usually my kids, my husband, my friends, my employer, my family. Then next comes, "Are you good? Deep down inside, as a person, where nobody can see but you, are you good?"
This is where I recently got pretty real with myself. I'm ok I guess. Sometimes I try my best, but sometimes I don't. I know that if I'm trying my best, that's good enough.
Then, the more honest part. The real answer to that first question.
I do this for me. I want people to like me, and I want to feel like I make a difference to them. I want people to like me more than just to think I'm ok, and to have nice things to say about me.
I fear I'll fail, or that people will find out I'm really not very talented or very clever, or worthy of their praise. That I'll fail to make enough of a difference in their life, that they will want to keep me in it.
Mostly I've found that often people connect well with me, talk to me and confide in me with ease, but when push comes to shove, I'm forgotten. Not like they forget who I am, or that they know me, but they forget to try to keep me as a part of their life. Friends that go from talking to me every day, to only talking to me when I initiate conversation. People don't think of me, when they think of friends to invite for a get together or fun night out. I don't get invited to lunch dates, to go to the movies, or shopping. Maybe it's because I'm a 30+ minute drive away from them, and it's not convenient. I'm not saying this like I think there is something wrong with me, and I'm not asking for a pity party. Im saying that I wonder, what is it about me, that people like me so easily, but no one thinks of me as their best friend, calls me their best friend to other people.
I am an inherently good person. I do want people to like me. I do things to make a difference in people's lives, to make them happy. Making others happy, makes me happy. Even when it costs me dearly to do so, it is always worth it. I certainly don't do good things for people so they will return my efforrs. However, it would just be nice, for all my efforts, to have someone like me enough to build a lasting friendship for once.

Long Time Coming

It's been a year, since I've even logged in to my blog. You're welcome my friend.
Funny thing is, I've been thinking about getting back to it. Mostly because I've not been sleeping well. Part of it is working nights. Part of it is stressing over too many things. Often times I wake up, when I should still be sleeping, my mind will start thinking about too many things, too fast, and with no end in sight. Something I've found that helps slow it down, so I can go back to sleep, is writing poetry in my head, precisely about whatever it is I'm fretting over.   I really should get up and write them down, but I don't. If I try to recreate them later, I fail. I haven't written poetry in ages. I'm not even sure if I'm any good at it, or if I ever was. All I know is it's helping. Maybe one of these days I'll delight all of you with my poetic musings. However, today is not that day.

Freedom on Two Wheels

For the last 7 years, my freedom moments have come mostly while I was on 8 wheels. Derby; my place to be completely, and wholly me. Recently though, I've been lucky enough to enjoy the roadways on a Honda Shadow 600 motorcycle. My commute to and from work is a new and wonderful experience. 

It's a 30 minute drive for me. A full 30 minutes of feeling the wind, enjoying some tunes, and mostly enjoying the view. That view!

For anyone who hasn't been on a motorcycle, it's hard to explain how different the view is, from a vehicle. It's so...open. My favorite is my ride home in the mornings. Although it's a colder ride, than on the way in, it's definitely worth the temperature difference. Sunrises are amazingly beautiful things. The beginning of a new day. Several times I've wished there was s way to accurately capture the view, with a photograph. Unfortunately, the only camera I have is attached to an iPhone, and taking a picture while riding isn't exactly the safest idea. Which means, I am left captivated my entire ride home, without any proof of what I've witnessed. Surprisingly, this has helped me to take in every bit of it while I can, because once I get home, it'll be over. My favorite, are the storm front sunrises. One morning I was racing home to beat a storm. Before me was a sky filled with clouds that looked like they were a heavenly fire! Behind me was a rainbow, and dark clouds, lightening filling them every so often. The contrast between the view in my mirrors, to the view before me, could not have been more stark. The beauty of the beginning of the morning leaves me in awe every morning.

Something else that I find entertaining, is the varying in temperatures as I ride up hills, down hills, across bridges, and past open fields. You can feel the differences, that wouldn't even register if you were driving that same road with the windows down. Also the smells. I love the smells, (most of the time), the smells of wild lilies, fresh cut grass, newly plowed dirt, the pavement as the first raindrops begin to fall. My mantra, with rain, is that I'll ride to work, as long as I'm not going to get wet on the way in. The way home is fair game. Sometimes the smells aren't so amazing. Like the cattle trailer I just passed, or the rotting plants from the field that flooded, or the roadkill. For the most part though, the it's the smells of nature that I would've missed with my windows up.

The most intriguing thing about riding my motorcycle, is I feel almost like my voice disappears. Yeah I could sing, or talk, but not only can I barely hear myself over the wind, or the wind and my music, but no one else would hear it either. Feeling like a mute, is weirdly freeing. I'm just listening, and watching the world fly by me. 

It's such a freeing feeling, riding a motorcycle. Like derby, I plan to continue feeling this freedom on two wheels, as long as my body will let me.

Today

Today I was sore from walking a zillion miles this weekend, and it was really hard to deal with the children who wanted to invade my space and snuggle with me and my tender pregnant belly.
Today I got to snuggle with my babies
Today I have a body that allowed me to walk a zillion miles this weekend.
Today I have a pregnant belly.

Today I had to catch up on the laundry that didn't get done for the last few days.
Today I got to use a washing machine and drier to help me accomplish the task.

Today I had to sort through baby boy clothes and try to figure out where to store them.
Today I have baby boy clothes that I was given without any kindness expected in return.

Today I had to get on to my son about eating breakfast.
Today I had food to feed my son for breakfast.

Today I had to clean up poop.
Today I have a toddler who is doing pretty good at potty training.

Today I didn't want to get up an do much, because I ached from walking a zillion miles.
Today I didn't have to get up and go to work, because my husbands has a good enough job (and we have small enough debt) that I can stay home with my children.

Today I complained, but today I was blessed.

The Emotional Monster

Today I feel like I've been overtaken by pregnancy hormones, and of course that's not in a good way. It's so hard to be rational, or even think logically when my body is raging with hormones that are totally hijacking my emotions.

This it totally how I feel today, only while crying.

Today I am looking at my calendar for the week, and my to-do list next to it, and I just wanna hide in my bedroom. This week is going to be crazy busy for me. I don't want to do any of it, but on the other hand I do, because I've been looking forward to a lot of it for weeks now. I'm also hoping it will be fun. Most of all, Saturday is my derby game, and for the first time in 2 yrs, I don't get to play. Physically, I totally could, and my growing baby would be totally fine, no matter how hard I fell, but like I've said before, no one wants to hit a pregnant chic, not even one on skates in full protective gear, so it would be a totally unfair advantage. I'm trying to put on a brave face. Yes I'm happy to be having a baby, and no I wouldn't trade bringing a baby in to this world for playing derby, but this game I should be able to do both. I am not going to get to though, because of society's view of pregnancy as being this state of fragility. It just makes me want to bawl. Like ugly cry, type of bawl.

And I don't wanna do all my responsibilites, cuz I can't have all fun, so I'd rather just hide in my room and cry.

Stupid hormones.

The end.

Roller Derby and Pregnancy

So my first blog back in a while, and of course it's going to be about the two things that *kinda* rule my life. Roller derby, and kids, or at least the process of incubating them.

This is totally happening with my kids!

Yes, yes indeed I am pregnant. Some of you are muttering to your screens, "Again?" Yes again. To answer the next questions that you are muttering to yourself, "Yes I know what causes it. No it wasn't an accident or surprise. Frankly I don't know if we are done yet."

If I'm being frank here, people can be downright rude when you aren't following the society cookie cutter norm for having kids. I told my husband that I wanted 5 kids when we were talking marriage, and he thought "Surely she is nuts!" Well folks, he drank the Kool-aid, and wouldn't send any of them back. Thankfully. Cuz that would really, really, hurt. We were both ready to be done at 4, since we had the perfect set-up and why ruin a good thing, right?! I mean how many people have 2 boys and 2 girls, in that exact order? Statistically it's super rare to have that order of kids, and it's exactly what I wanted! Plus it satisfied my slight OCD. Then one day, while sitting in church, I just knew we weren't done. I leaned over and told my wonderful spouse, and he glared the glare of hellfire at me. After a few months of much arguing, (I couldn't shake the feeling that this was the right decision)
Tony woke up and told me he was okay with it. I swear I looked around the room for lightning strike marks. So then we started planning when would be a good time to to leave things in the hands of my amazing reproductive system and ditch the birth control.

You wanna know the big factor in deciding when?! Roller Derby. Oh come on, you knew roller derby was gonna come in to play in this post *some*time. I looked at the calendar and the season schedule, trying to figure out when would give me the most play time, and a decent recovery time. I wasn't trying to get back to practice after 2 weeks like last time. After all, my body is in it's 30s now.

I found out I was pregnant this spring, and crunched the numbers. I knew I could safely get away with playing through the June game, and was excited to be able to play 5 out of 8 games for the year. I was going to miss playing in the championship bout, but I would survive.....after lots and lots of tears I'm sure. For all of you cringing, thinking about a pregnant lady playing such a high contact sport, you must not have paid much attention during your high school anatomy class. The woman's body is an AMAZING thing, and an even better baby factory. It has super high tech security to protect it's product from unwanted intrusions and outside disasters. In the first half of pregnancy, that uterus is the most safe, cushioned, baby safe ever! I've been playing this sport for years so i was completely aware of my body and what it is capable of. Doctors also encourage you to keep doing physical activities that you are accustomed to doing, just not way up the physical activity cuz all the sudden you are like, "Whoah, I'm gonna blow up like a hippo, I gotta start exercising!" Hey I skated as a carhop up to 7 months into my first pregnancy, (with my OBGYN's permission) and only got off my skates because of rude customers.

Well. my body had other plans. As soon as my stomach muscles realized what they were in for, they rebelled. They wouldn't even hold their normal, very relaxed position, but went on all out hiatus. So all my league-mates started talking about how pregnant I looked, and "Oh look, she did the belly touch!" So I played the May game amidst the rumor mill, and then spilled my beans. There was no use lying. I am just sad I didn't get to play ONE MORE GAME. Stupid stomach muscles. I'd fire them if I didn't need them. Why can't I just play that one more game, you ask? It would be a completely unfair advantage. No one wants to hit a pregnant chic. Dang it.

So now I get to sit (who am I kidding, I'll be on my feet yelling) on the side-lines, coaching and cheering my team on. It'll still be a good season, and in the end I will get a new snuggle bug for Christmas. It's just a tough pill to swallow, to stand by, feeling the wind of the pack pass you by.

Doing What I Love

I have been absent from the blogger world for a while. I feel like I should apologize, but then, I've been doing what I love, so.....really.....I'm not sorry at all.

I've been Mommy, Wife, Housekeeper, Maid, Nurse, Tutor, Taxi, Chef, Errand Girl, and Business Owner.

(That last one has taken up a lot of my extra mental storage and "spare" time, what ever that is. )

Business Owner?! You're probably thinking, "How out of touch have I been with Liz?" Or "What have you got yourself in to now?!"

 Really, just roller derby. 

Remember two whole posts ago, when I talked about starting the Blacksnake Roller Girls? Well, it took off, a lot, and I can now call it officially my business. This also means, that if it tanks ever, than I will cry, a lot.

Let me summarize. Enough girls were interested and had enough practices in, that we were able to schedule our first game for April 28th. I expected 500 people. 1500 people were in attendance! I was to the moon with excitement! It made money, rather than lost money. It was an edge of your seat, exciting game! It was the best night of derby, EVER!

Neat fact, that's my silhouette.

Then, we had enough girls in the league, that we split into two teams. The Jesse Janes and the Venomous Vixens.

I helped create the logo with the awesome talents of Edith Myfist, one of my teammates from Dead Girl Derby.

Then we were in parades, and people started recognizing us.

We were able to play against Dead Girl Derby teams in June (that's when this whole thing became officially mine!), July, and August. Each game we made money, which we promptly spent on advertising for the next game. DGD skaters were jealous of our arena, and our fan turn-out. It felt pretty good!

September, we decided to have our two house teams play against each other, Frankly, we had been creamed all season by the more experienced DGD skaters, and felt it would be a better game for the fans to watch. Boy was it! It was an intense, lead switching game! First, the Vixens were in the lead at the beginning of the first quarter, then the Janes took the lead (I'm a Jane), then we were tied in the 4th quarter, then finally the Vixens took the lead and won by 6 points. Oh my goodness was it a great game! Such a good game, that no one Jane felt that they lost, and no one Vixen wasn't grateful to the Janes for laying it all out on the track!

This wasn't everyone, but most of us, excited after a hard fought game!

It has been an excellent season. I am sad to have this season be over, and knowing that we won't have a game in that arena until next spring, is a tough pill to swallow. I am grateful that I don't have to stress over, the arena being paid, contracts signed, ordering and selling tickets, collecting ticket money, making sure insurance paperwork for the games is in order, that we have enough refs, etc. I'm also excited to see the new recruits coming in October (we are hoping to add two more teams, which means we need about 35 more girls).

I never would have guessed, that when I first stepped in to a dimly lit rink to check out the new roller derby league practicing in Liberty, Missouri, that in just a few short years, I'd be running my own league! I've had some amazing people step up and help out, take over responsibilities, just because they love this sport as much as I do. I can not express how much your efforts and investment into this sport means to me! I have made some wonderful new friends, that don't live hours away from me!

I haven't made a dime yet, because I've invested every bit back in to making this league more well known, more visible, and bigger, better for the skaters. (It's nice not having to drive an hour to practice, and I do get the perk of not paying dues.) Some day, though,  I'll get a paycheck, but right now, my best paycheck is seeing other women, like me, who have found something they never knew they were missing out on, and now can't imagine being without. Women who had forgotten who they were, or that they even needed some "me" time, and now have more confidence and are happier. Right now, I can see the fruit of my actions, and how those actions have brought joy to others, and because (get ready for some BIG news) I love to make others happy, that brings ME immense happiness!

Is it Spring 2013 yet?