This is a question I've been hearing a lot lately. Most people are appalled or incredulous that I am pregnant with my fourth child. Once I confirm, that yes, this is the fourth child that my husband and I are going to have, I get another question. Normally that question is, "You know what causes that, don't you?" My normal response is, "Why yes I do, and I enjoy it thank you!" I mean, come on! Anyone who has ever hit puberty knows what causes pregnancy, do I look like that stupid? Sometimes it's "Was this one an accident/surprise?" My reply, "Nope, we like to plan for these kind of things, wouldn't you?"
What really surprises me about these kinds of conversations, is that people automatically assume I have multiple "baby daddies", that I'm crazy, or stupid for having more children than two, three is pushing it, but four?! Someone even asked me if I am a Duggar Family follower. Does having four children automatically put me in the same boat as someone who has 19 children? It's almost like I've been lumped with cultists. When did our society get to this point?
I totally get that not everyone wants to have as many children as I have, but when did four become such an astronomically large number of children to have in a single marriage family? Most of the time it's not even because people are thinking of the financial aspects of having more than two children, (raising children isn't cheap, as we all know). They just react like I must be some birth-control-refusing,-religious-fanatic,-submissive-wife-ruled-by-my-husband-to-be-stuck-in-the-kitchen-pregnant-and-barefoot-for-as-long-as-I-live, crazy person. Yeah. If given the chance I talk next about how I can't wait to get off maternity leave so I can get back to roller derby. That's when I get some really funny looks. Ok, but back to why people even treat me this way in the first place. I've even noticed that my husband doesn't get half the comments I do, and most of them refer to having a little more self control. Really?!
I come from a large family. 10 children, all with the same parents. Half of us, so far, have or are expecting a 4th child or more. My oldest sibling is done, (baring a medical miracle or adoption) at 7 children. Another sister just had her 7th child and doesn't plan on being done anytime soon. You get the picture. In my family, children are welcomed joyfully, blessings that outweigh the monetary costs. Now I'm a little more on the moderate side of things amongst my siblings. I'm probably done with baby #4, although I kinda always wanted 5, I could be fine with 4. Especially since when this baby is born, I'll have two boys, then two girls. It absolutely satisfies the OCD part of me! I don't have a strong feeling either way, being done or not done. My husband is completely on the "done" side of the fence, and even though I am a very strong-willed, opinionated woman, I do love him so, which means his opinion is important too. (If you read that right, that means that, no, I am not ruled by my husband, but we are in a p-a-r-t-n-e-r-s-h-i-p. I'm not sure that most married couples know what that means anymore.)
Ok, long story short. We are not crazy. We do believe in birth control. I did not trick my husband. My husband did not get me pregnant to control, rule me, or keep me submissive. This baby was not an accident, although the timing was a little sooner than we normally plan. We are excited to meet her, and I am excited to finally not have to feel like the worst mother in the world when I abandon her to return to work, because this time I'm a stay-at-home-mom. No that doesn't make me a lazy leech on society. We are not on welfare or any state assistance. We are not poor and have nothing better to do. We do believe in God, and I feel that adding or not adding more children to your family is something that should be done prayerfully, with His guidance. That doesn't make me a fanatic.
So if society really thinks that four children is too many, I'm sorry for those that subscribe to that thinking, for you will miss out on four times the hugs, kisses, and I love you's, and watching your children accomplish something new (even if it is beating Daddy at racing on the PS3). Yes that means four times the messes too, but four times the helping hands to clean it up. We have time for our children, they are not neglected, but they get one-on-one personal attention, (a sister of mine and her husband do "kid dates" which I think is an AWESOME idea). We can afford our four children and still be able to go out on dates, or take our children to McDonald's if we wanted to, so that can't be the reason why four is too many.
So I guess, for society, the real reason for thinking four is too many, is because most didn't get to babysit as a kid and learn how to take care of children, so they are scared of having even one. Right? Ok, that's me assuming things. Sorry. Seriously though, who decided that wanting four children makes me insane or that the mainstream ideal is two children at most?
I feel you on this one people look at me crazy that we are going to have another which would be are 3rd as well and if not a boy then we are going to think about a 4th we feel if you can afford to have it and you know you are a good mom like you are! then we know we are strong and able to do it
ReplyDeleteI am the oldest of five kids, and my parents are still married. People always say "wow, that's a lot," but my mom would have had more, too.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the Dugger family references - although I have a lot of respect for that woman! I got the "Are you done YET?" question from our dentist just this morning, even!
ReplyDeleteWe are so far past the point of "normal" that people just kind of gape at us like uncouth codfish. But, if they bother to ask, I never miss a chance to brag. I hear a lot of "My, you must be busy!", to which I reply "Yes, I am. It's a good busy, and I love it."